


The Curious Case of the Vanishing Mansion

by bluspirits



Category: DCU (Comics), Justice League Dark (Comics)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff and Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2020-02-28 15:29:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18759220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluspirits/pseuds/bluspirits
Summary: When the crew of a ghost hunting show starts camping outside the House of Mystery, the house's inhabitants have differing opinions on how to handle their new trespassers.





	The Curious Case of the Vanishing Mansion

**Author's Note:**

> This is some kind of ambiguous comics au, mostly of the new 52 stuff, with the house of mystery and all that, but it doesn't really fit into any specific spot in the series. You don't need to know anything about the series to read this. It started out as a joke, and then turned into John/Zee fake dating somehow. 
> 
> This also requires some suspension of disbelief on the idea that random other people would be able to see and keep track of the house of mystery. So, thanks in advance for that. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

 

“Hi everybody, and welcome to this week’s episode of Occult Encounters! This is Mira Black, and this week, we are just outside of London, taking a look at a local urban legend, the House of Mystery.”

The camera pans away from the woman's face, moving to focus on the house behind her, a large grey victorian mansion, with all of the fixings, turrets, gables, and eaves. It looms in front of them, surrounded by open brown fields of tall grass. The house shudders and creaks in the wind. The wood paneling is the same grey as the stormy sky above it. Overall, it looks like your perfect haunted house.

The camera swings back to Mira’s face. “This house may look old, but in fact, according to locals, it’s only been here for a few months. But, this isn’t the first time a house has stood here. In fact, there are reports of an identical house existing here years ago, despite pictures from just last year showing an empty lot. No one knows why or how the house vanishes, but one thing is for sure. There is definitely an otherworldly presence here.”

She stops, and the camera takes one last sweeping shot of the house’s exterior before it’s lowered.

“You got all of that, Charlie?”

Charlie gives a thumbs up with the hand not supporting the camera.

“Awesome.” Mira turns, hands on her hips to face the house. She shakes her head. “Now, what are you hiding?”

 

* * *

 

“Um. I think we’ve got a problem.” Boston says, hovering next to the front window, and pointing at it with a slightly pained expression.

“What?” Zatanna enters the room.

“There are some people outside,” Swamp Thing rumbles from his spot next to Boston. She approaches the window and peers out. In the field outside, two people are standing next to a white van, talking and looking down at something. One of them has a camera resting on their shoulder.

“Oh.” she says. Alec nods.

Boston drifts over closer, getting a better angle to look out the window. “Is this con job’s fault? Feels like his fault.”

“What did I do?” John asks from the doorway as if summoned by the mention of blame.

Zatanna points at the window. He takes a look and shakes his head. “I didn’t call them.”

“The house, John.”

“Oh.” he frowns. “This is just where it rests when it’s not going anywhere else. Like a neutral location. I just told it to go back home. That’s all.”

“So the house has been here before?” Alec asks.

John eyes all of them like he has no idea why this is important, even though Zatanna doubts that’s true. “Yeah, a bunch of times.”

“Great.” Zatanna glances back outside. “Then I think we know why they’re here.”

“Wait.” she pauses. “There isn’t any kind of cloaking spell on the house?”

John shrugs. “I didn’t do anything to it.”

“Great,” she repeats, sighing and looking out the window again like that will change things.

When she turns back around, John has vanished, and Swamp Thing is in the process of leaving. Boston shrugs. “Maybe they’ll be gone tomorrow?”

 

* * *

 

The next day, the two people are still there, still sitting in their van, just barely visible through the windshield of the car. The house is awkward with the strange presence of the real world lurking just outside.

They all gather without planning or ceremony in the front room to do some watching of their own. Boston hovers in the middle of the room, Swamp Thing looms in the far corner, Zatanna stands by the window, and John throws himself down in one of the chairs. No one speaks for a long time.

Boston drifts slowly towards the window. “Couldn’t we just ask them to leave?”

John turns, and makes a show of looking the dead man up and down. “You want to go out there and do that, then?”

“You could,” Boston frowns at him. “Since you’re the master manipulator, or whatever it is you do around here.”

John shrugs. “Don’t even have to talk to them. Just give them a little show, they go home with some nice footage, we all get what we want.”

“Absolutely not.” Zatanna frowns at him.

He frowns right back. “Well, what’s your bright idea then?”

She shrugs and crosses her arms. “If we wait, they’ll get bored and leave. It shouldn’t take too long.”

“Ugh.” John throws his head back. “Boring.”

“Sorry you’re not having fun, but you’re not exactly the one who’d be in trouble if they saw something in here,” she snaps, gesturing to Deadman and Swamp Thing with a wave of her hand.

“Well, what about you? You’ve been quiet.” John points at Swamp Thing.

“I agree with Zatanna,” he grunts.

“Of course you do.” John shakes his head.

“That’s a majority then, so we’ll wait.”

“Hey, two out of four is not a majority,” John snaps, sitting up a little straighter.

Zatanna sighs. He’s being difficult on purpose like always, she’s sure of it. “There’s three options, and this one’s got the most votes. Unless you or Boston want to come to an agreement?”

The two men look at each other for a long moment. Neither speaks.

“I didn’t think so.”

“Since when do we do things by committee around here?”

“Would you rather I started making executive decisions?” she asks, raising an eyebrow.

He closes his eyes and slides down in the chair. “No.”

“Then this is how we’re doing it.”

 

* * *

 

 

John comes up beside him, doing the casual lurking thing that always seems to lead up to some kind of trick. He follows Boston’s gaze out the window. “You could always go out there and possess one of the suckers. Convince the other one to leave.”

Boston narrows his eyes.

John throws his hands up in mock surrender. “Just a suggestion, mate.”

“Why are you being so helpful all the sudden?”

“What? I can’t want those idiots gone?”

Boston thinks about that for a few seconds. “You-”

He drifts closer to look John right in the eyes, before backing up a few feet, apparently satisfied with his examination. “Oh, I get it.”

“Get what?”

“You want me to go out there, try to possess one of them, then you’ll do something to mess it up and they’ll get a ghost on camera.” He jerks his head towards the window.

“Noooo,” John shakes his head, dragging out the word. “I would never.”

“Yeah, you would.” Boston crosses his arms and drifts backwards.

“Well,” he shrugs, like he’s embarrassed at being caught, even though they both know that isn’t even close to true. “Maybe. But it can’t hurt.”

“I’m not gonna fall for that!” Boston shouts.

“They won’t see you, you can turn invisible!” John shouts back.

And, just like that, he does, leaving John alone in the room.

“Great.”

 

* * *

 

Zatanna is sitting in the kitchen, cup of tea in front of her, when John comes barreling down the hallway towards the front door, chalk and various other items of suspiciously magical relevance in his arms.

“Nrut dnuora,” Zatanna calls, not moving from her seat.

John is spun around, so he faces the inside of the house instead of the door. He drops the chalk he was holding, and nearly topples over trying to catch it. It hits the floor with a crack, leaving a white streak on the wooden floors.

“I saw that,” she says, glancing over at him as he straightens up and tries to pretend nothing happened.

“Come on,” he says.

“No.”

He takes a step closer. “I’m just going to add some protection spells, some cloaking stuff, since clearly the house doesn’t have any of that.”

“Try again.”

He blinks, like he has no idea what she’s talking about. “What?”

“I thought you were supposed to be a good liar.” she points at the assorted magical things he’s still holding. “Besides, you’d need more than that to cast anything over this whole house.”

He sighs, and steps into the kitchen, before dropping the chalk, papers, and candles in a pile on the table in front of her. With that, he walks out, leaving her alone with the pile.

“Hey!” she shouts after him, leaning down the hall. “I don’t want these!”

 

* * *

 

Zatanna sits in the living room, curled up in an armchair, with her back to the window, and a book open in her lap.

She opens the book to page one. A shout comes from outside. She shuts the book. She squeezes her eyes shut.

Swamp Thing approaches her slowly, looking over her head and out the window. All they seem to be doing lately is staring out that window. “They do not seem any closer to going away.”

She nods, tapping her fingers on her leg. These past few days have been an exercise in impatience.

“Give them time?” she says, and she doesn’t mean it to sound like a question, but it comes out like one. She’s glad it’s Alec here to catch that doubt and not John or Boston.

“Have you seen John recently?” she asks, with a glance around the room like saying his name will draw him there.

Swamp Thing nods. “I’ve been keeping an eye on him.”

“Thanks.”

There’s several seconds of silence as they stare at different parts of the room and consider what else there is to say.

“They are very persistent,” he says, leaning over to peer out the window. She waits.

“You could use your magic,” he looks at her, and she wishes she could read plant expressions better.

“And give them more questions?” she closes the book. “Besides, now I’m a little worried if I even look at them too long John’ll pull some kind of trick and they’ll catch it on film.”

“That’s fair.” He nods. “He has not tried anything with me yet, but I think Boston is close to snapping.”

Boston hasn’t been visible for the last day or so, and she’s not surprised. She opens her book back up and smiles just a little. “Yeah, well, you’re in for some fun.”

She still can’t really figure out plant expressions, but she thinks he smiles back. “I can hardly wait.”

 

* * *

 

He must have been waiting, because the moment Alec enters the room, John comes crashing in through the other doorway, slamming into the door frame, out of breath like he’s been doing something important, or running laps around the house.

“Okay, I just need you to stand right there,” John points over by the window, waving his arm like there’s some kind of urgent disaster. He looks over. There’s a white chalk X drawn on the floor where John is pointing.  

“No.” Swamp Thing remains still.

“Just for a second,” he pleads, like whining will change the answer.

“I am not worried about how long I will be there.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“Do not play stupid, Constantine.”

“I’m not playing anything.” he shoves his hands in his pockets. “What’s the problem?”

“If you could not get Deadman to fall for this, I don’t see why you think I will.”

“Fall for what?”

“Really?” he shakes his head. “It’s been almost a week. You have to stop eventually.”

John shrugs. “I can keep it up as long as they can.” he jerks his head towards the window, indicating the two ever present trespassers.

“Well, then, you may have to get used to failure, because I believe they’re going to be here for a while yet,” he says as he leaves.

“Are you calling me a failure?” John shouts after him.

 

* * *

 

There’s a loud knock at the door that startles all of them, because for some reason, the idea of the people outside making the first move hadn’t really entered into any of their planning. Boston blinks out of view. Alec begins to shrink, until a potted plant is the only vegetation left in the room.

“Well, no help from them,” John says, staring at the door, hands on his hips.

Zatanna walks over to the entrance. “I don’t think a ghost and a swamp creature are what we need right now.”

John trails after her. “Can’t argue with that.”

She stops at the door, and turns to face him. Her sudden stop brings him to a halt just inches from her face. “Are you going to do something stupid?”

“Now, how would I know that? I can’t see the future.”

She glares, waiting for a better answer. He puts his hands on her shoulders and stares into her eyes, apparently dead serious. “I have an idea.”

She nods, and he pauses for a second.

“We pretend no one’s home.”

She breaks eye contact to stare at the wall behind him and take a deep, calming breath. “And have them try to break in?”

“Fine.” He holds up his hands. “I’ll be good, I promise.”

“Fine,” she sighs, and pulls the door open.

“Hi, are you the owners of this house?” the woman in the doorway gives a small, awkward wave and a tense smile. “My name is Mira Black, and I’m from the show Occult Encounters. We were wondering if we could take a look around your home?”

“Um.” John stares blankly for a second, before schooling his face into the polite smile reserved for people knocking on your door who you don’t want to fight with, but really would rather they go away. “Yes, this is our house. I’m John Constantine, and this is my wife, Zatanna.” he reaches out and grasps her hand before she can react. She freezes for a second in surprise before taking hold of his hand.

“Zatanna. Quite a name.” Mira says, and that manages to slip through and overcome the surprise of being suddenly married to John Constantine. She narrows her eyes and gives Mira a tight smile.

“It’s a family name.”

Mira nods, and her gaze turns greedily to the inside of the house. “Do you mind if we film this?”

“No, go ahead.” John steps aside and waves them inside. The two of them step past and into the house.

“What the hell, John?” Zatanna hisses in his ear as Mira and the cameraman move by them.

“What? I thought we were trying to look normal?” he whispers back. “Or did you want me to say ‘oh yes, and this is Zatanna, the leader of our bloody superhero team, would you like to meet our plant monster too?’”

She grits her teeth and tightens her grip on his hand, just a touch threatening. “Watch it.”

“Don’t worry, love, I’ll clear them out.” he grins at her. “Just make sure they don’t catch our more monstrous friends on camera.”

He lets go of her hand, and it takes a second more for her to do the same with his.

He spins around and catches up with Mira and her cameraman, asking, “So, are you from tv?”

Mira shakes her head. “No, we actually make a web-series. You know, youtube and stuff.”

“Huh.”

He continues walking, leading them through the kitchen and into the next room. “How long have you been doing this?”

“We’re filming our third season right now. That’s what this is for.”

John nods. He stops walking and turns back to face them, smiling. “Well, feel free to look around, ask any questions you want. Most of this stuff was here when we moved in, so I can’t promise we’ve got all the answers, but we can try.”

Mira nods, and leans over to whisper something to Charlie. He gives her a thumbs up, and begins to rotate slowly around the room, while Mira turns back to face John and Zatanna.

She waits until Charlie is done his rotation to begin. “How long have you two lived here?”

John glances at Zatanna for a second. “Oh, only a year or so.”

“Just the two of you?” Mira asks, taking a moment to take in every part of the room, her gaze making a sweeping circle. “It’s a big house.”

“Just the two of us,” John says with a smile, wrapping a hand around Zatanna’s and kissing her temple. She shivers just a bit, and tries to ignore the urge to get closer to him, to take this further. “Me and Zee, we moved in just a little before we got married. I keep trying to convince her we should get cats or something, the place is so big, but she just won’t change her mind.”

“I’m allergic,” she says, with a small, just a little too bright smile. This is a lie, but what does that matter anymore? As if timed perfectly with that thought, John leans in and kisses her, soft and gentle, like everything he’s not, and over too soon.

Mira smiles vaguely and points her gaze elsewhere for several seconds, clearly a little uncomfortable with all the touching going on, which was probably John’s intention. Like so many things with him, this is a trick, a calculated move, and if she lets herself forget that and think for a second this warmth could be real, she’ll be in danger. But god, she wishes it was real.

Zatanna shakes herself free of those thoughts and takes moment of distraction to make sure there is nothing to incriminating sitting out, as Charlie begins to point the camera at every visible surface. Something moves behind Mira, a greyish blur that lingers in the air like a fog down the hallway on the other side of the room. Maybe Deadman, maybe another ghost inhabiting the house. Either way, it won’t look good on camera.

Charlie continues his rotation around the room, taking in every inch of the house, getting closer to catching the spirit with every step. Zatanna grimaces.  

“Eb neddih,” she whispers, flicking her fingers in a general ‘go away’ motion as subtly as she can, shifting so that John is slightly in front of her, blocking Mira’s view.

“What was that?” the host asks, switching her gaze to look at Zatanna.

“Oh, nothing,” Zatanna says quickly.

John’s shoulder knocks into the camera as he pushes his way past them, swinging the machine over to the side to point down the hallway for a second before Charlie can right it.

“Sorry, mate,” he says with a quick glance back.

Charlie holds a up a hand in acknowledgement. “No big deal. Just b-roll.”

Zatanna stops walking for a second, looking down the hallway. She catches a glimpse of what she thinks is Boston, before he fully materializes. He gives her a thumbs up.

She glares back. He seems to get the message, and vanishes. John leads them into another room, rambling on.

She trails after them, lingering in the doorway and taking a long look around this new room for anything incriminating.

Because they can’t catch a second’s break, a face twists into existence from the leaves of the plant. “Are we-”

“Shhh-” Zatanna hisses. John twitches just a little, but continues to ramble on about homeownership, or something else he knows nothing about. She taps the back of John’s hand, and he glances at her, before apparently getting the message and beginning to drift away from her, and more importantly, the plant, taking the camera along with him.

“We’re working on it,” she whispers.

“Well,” the plant says, “Do not take them upstairs. Boston and I are containing a small problem.”

Zatanna frowns. “Problem?”

“I will explain later.” The plant manages to convey something like a shrug with its leaves, which is fairly impressive. Zatanna glances back at the three other people in the room. When she turns back to the plant, it has shrunk, Alec’s influence gone. She tunes back into John’s ongoing, completely made up presentation on the history of the house. Before she can really sink into whatever bullshit he thinks he’s selling, Mira cuts him off, holding up a hand like a student who’s a second away from falling asleep in the lecture hall.

“Have the two of you experienced any hauntings since you've been living here?” she asks, arms crossed. The camera swings away from the oddities around the room to focus on John, even though the question was directed at both of them.

“Maybe we could talk in the kitchen?” Zatanna says, leaning forward and resting a hand on John's shoulder. He doesn't tense, just shifts towards her with all the comfort of a long term relationship.

She has to remind herself one more time what a liar he is before he glances at her.

“Sounds good. Can answer any questions you’ve got there,” he says with a nod and a soft smile.

John brings them back around to the kitchen, still talking away about nothing. Charlie fixes himself in the doorway, camera leveled at the two of them, and Mira takes up position directly in front of them, leaning on the counter.

Zatanna can tell this is the start of the real questions. She glances at John. He just gives her the same empty smile he’s been wearing for the past hour, which really tells her nothing about how this is going to go.

“So, how does the house move?” Mira asks, arms crossed.

John tilts his head, thinking. “It doesn’t.”

Zatanna turned to him, eyes wide, lips pressed together, certainly attempting to communicate the sentiment of “Really? Really? Your genius lie is ‘It doesn’t’ mister master con man?”

He smiles blandly back at her.

“But what about the pictures?” Mira reaches into her back pocket to pull out several glossy photographs of a vacant lot, with recent dates scribbled in pen across the corners. “There’s clearly no house here.”

John leans in, taking the pictures from her and squinting at them. After a second he looks up, just a little confused. “This isn’t the same lot. I don’t know who gave you these, but they were taken in the next field over. I recognize this tree.” He points at a large dead oak tree in the background of the pictures. He laughs. “I mean, I’ve lived here for years. I think I’d have noticed if the whole place was moving.”

Mira frowns, disappointment coloring her face.

John shrugs in apology. “I can show you the field where these were taken if you want.”

She shakes her head. “No, that’s alright. You don’t have to go to any trouble. It’s over there?” she waves a hand to the East.

John nods. “Yeah, a quarter of a mile that way.”

“Thanks.”

“Sorry this didn’t turn out more interesting.” He begins following them towards the door, and Zatanna stays just a few steps behind him. “I have to be honest, I had hoped it’d be a little haunted when I got the place, but so far, just an old house, sadly.”

“Yeah,” Mira’s head hangs down a little as she moves towards the door. “Sorry to bother you two.”

“No problem.” John smiles, hand on the door. “Good luck with your show.”

They walk down the steps and disappear into their van. Within five minutes, the vehicle pulls out, turning around and vanishing into the distance.

Zatanna lets out a long, slow exhale, and leans into John without thinking about it, her head coming to rest against his shoulder.

“See?” he grins at her, not moving. “Easy.”

“Yeah, easy,” she repeats, tired, and looks up at him. “You’re gonna go apologize to Boston and Alec now, right?”

He blinks. “For what?”

She shifts, standing up straight so she’s no longer leaning against his chest. “A week of trying to use them as sideshow attractions, maybe?”

“That’s not-” he stops as soon as he glances back at her.

“Yeah?” she asks, daring him to keep trying.

“Alright, alright,” he throws up his hands in surrender and begins to back down the hallway.

“Thank you.” She watches until he’s gone and then turns to stare out the still open door. Outside everything is quiet and peaceful, the sky its usual grey, the grass moving in the sharp wind. She smiles.

 

* * *

 

“Oh my god. Oh my god.” Mira whips around in her chair and slaps at Charlie’s shoulder, bouncing up and down in her chair. “Did you see that? Did you see that!”

“Yeah. I saw it.” he nods. “What _was_ that?”

She squints at the blur caught frozen on the screen. “I have no idea.”

“But it’s gonna get us so many views!”

**Author's Note:**

> (ask me about this au's twin, where instead of a superhero team, the justice league dark is a ghost hunters show with famous stage magician Zatanna as its star and no one ever mentions how one of the frequent guest stars is a plant monster, and another is a ghost)


End file.
